Parents should always be their children’s biggest supporters. Parents should love their kids unconditionally, celebrate their accomplishments, support them through failures, and stay in their corner when life gets difficult. But does unconditional love require unconditional approval?
I have encountered some parents at my office who seem less like parents of their teenagers, and more like fans of them. These parents aren’t simply accepting of their kids, they almost seem impressed by them — even when the behavior they are admiring isn’t particularly admirable. Is it cool to be in awe of your kids as though you are on their level, or should parents be clear with family roles and who’s in charge — specifically with the parent-child dynamic?
What some parents tell me…
I have heard many stories at my practice over the years, including some parents who marvel at the trouble their kids find. One parent casually mentioned to me knowing that his teenage son and friends were drinking in the basement, but he thought it was kind of cool so he decided not to bother them. Another parent laughed while describing how his teenager snuck out of the house, only to be caught by police sneaking back in during the wee hours of the night. And several parents have shared with me that underage drinking is out in the open at their graduation parties, with the assumption kids won’t drive after drinking. I have been told many stories about parties, drinking, breaking rules, or getting away with something told with an unmistakable hint of pride. Some parents have even told me they have bought alcohol for their kid and his/her friends!
The message for parents who only casually parent almost becomes: My kid is really cool.
But why do some parents feel this way? One possibility is that parents sometimes experience their children’s social lives vicariously. If my teenager is popular, invited to parties, dating, socially confident, and accepted by the “cool kids,” perhaps some of that status psychologically rubs off on me.
Psychologists have long recognized our tendency to derive satisfaction from association with successful or popular people and groups. We readily understand the parent proudly announcing that his daughter made varsity, or his son was accepted into an elite university. But perhaps reflected status can operate socially as well.
Everybody knows my kid. Everybody likes my kid. My kid gets invited everywhere.
There may also be an element of identification and nostalgia. Hearing about a teenager’s adventures can take parents back to their own adolescence. “We did the same thing at that age” becomes an amusing justification for behavior that should deserve a considerably different response from a parent.
None of this means parents need to become authoritarian or react hysterically every time a teenager makes a poor decision. Adolescence involves experimentation, mistakes, boundary testing, peer influence, and increasing independence. Simply put, teenagers are going to screw up. But that’s precisely why they still need parents.
With brains still not fully developed, teenagers aren’t supposed to possess mature adult judgment. Part of adolescence involves testing boundaries, and parents are supposed to model and provide some of the boundaries being tested. In doing so, it requires accepting one of the least enjoyable parts of parenting: sometimes your child isn’t going to like you very much.
A friend might laugh about the drinking story. A fan might admire the rebelliousness. A parent occasionally needs to say, No, that’s not acceptable.
There’s an important distinction between being in your child’s corner and being in your child’s fan club.
Being in your teenager’s corner means loving him whether he succeeds spectacularly or screws up badly. It also means defending him when appropriate, encouraging him when he’s struggling, and making certain he knows that one bad decision doesn’t define him. But loving the person doesn’t require celebrating the behavior. In fact, sometimes the most loving response is accountability by means of disappointment, correction, consequences, or simply saying no.
Teenagers will eventually have plenty of friends, fans, followers, and people willing to laugh along with their bad decisions. What they have far fewer of are adults who love them enough to occasionally disappoint them, challenge them, and establish boundaries. Your teenager absolutely needs you in his corner. But sometimes the best thing you can do for him is step out of the fan club and be his parent.
Final thoughts
Being your child’s biggest supporter doesn’t mean being a fan of everything your child does. In fact, some of the most important moments in parenting occur when support looks nothing like cheering — when it means setting a boundary, expressing disappointment, imposing a consequence, or simply saying no. Teenagers will have plenty of friends willing to laugh at their bad decisions and plenty of peers impressed by their rebelliousness. What they need from their parents is something different: someone who loves them enough to risk being temporarily unpopular. Sometimes being your child’s biggest supporter means refusing to be their biggest fan.
drstankovich.com
