Believe it or not, there once was a time humans conducted their lives without any thought of attracting “likes” for something they did, said, or photographed. For young people today, their lives have been the exact opposite of that, instead living each day searching for affirmations in the form of likes, hearts, thumbs-ups, follows, and other icons that indicate approval. In fact, increasingly more people every day seem to be tuned in with their level of virtual influence by means of social media — and struggle with mental health issues when they fail to get the attention they seek. Everyone wants to fit in, that’s normal, but what is concerning is our constant need to measure up, to be recognized, and to feel important to others online. With so much attention directed at cultivating the perfect online persona, how much time is left for the real world, and doing real things with real people?
The science of digital validation
You post a photo. The likes roll in. For a few moments, you feel great — noticed, appreciated, seen. Then, just as quickly, the feeling fades, and you check again for more. Why do we crave that validation so much? What is it about a virtual “like” that makes us feel good, if only for a moment? And why does all of this have such a big impact on our mental health?
It turns out, the field of psychology can tell us a lot about our need for affirmation in the age of social media, beginning with the dopamine hits we experience when others show interest in us. When someone “likes” your post, your brain releases dopamine, the same chemical associated with rewards like food, money, or physical affection. Dopamine provides a quick bump of pleasure that reinforces the behavior — a loop that says post again, get another hit. This behavioral pattern, rewarded by intermittent reinforcement, is also what keeps people pulling slot machine levers in that you never know when good fortune will come your way. Similarly, when you post online, you never know when or how many likes you’ll get, so you keep checking.
Beyond the chemical release of dopamine, there are additional psychological reasons why we yearn for virtual likes, primarily due to our need to belong. As humans, we are wired for connection with others. Long before the internet, our survival depended on belonging to a group. Social approval from others meant safety from predators. In today’s world, likes have become the new social currency — quick, visible signals that say “you matter.” When those signals are missing, the brain can interpret it almost like rejection.
Tips to help
If you feel your online activity is too much, or that you find yourself tethered to social media craving likes, follows, and other means of approval, there are ideas you can consider that will help curb some of those tendencies. Keep in mind, the goal isn’t to quit social media — it’s to reclaim control of it.
Turning off like counts. With most social media platforms users can turn off like counts, thereby reducing the need to continually post to attract clicks.
Limiting screen time. Checking out from social media and enjoying the real world around you is never a bad thing, and may be worth considering if you feel your online life consumes most of your day.
Posting for connection, not applause. Consider auditing the number of posts you make each day, and scale back on frivolous posts designed for attention only.
Investing in real-world feedback. While an online “like” feels good, a real-life approval feels even better!
- Don’t hang your self-worth on follows and likes. While it is remarkably easy to get caught up measuring your self-worth by means of online attention, psychologists would urge against this practice. Internet clicks are not a very valid way to measure one’s value, regardless if you receive a lot or a little online attention.
Remember, at the end of the day, the deepest validation doesn’t come from online strangers tapping a like button. True validation and improved mental health come from knowing who you are — even when no one is clicking on the picture you just posted. This is an especially important message for kids to hear, and adults should not only have these conversations, but also model these same healthy behaviors.
Final thoughts
Our mental health is impacted more regularly every day by means of social media — for better or for worse. The dopamine hits we experience when people like our social media posts are pleasurable and addicting, but they also leave people vulnerable for ongoing online attention. It’s also normal to want to belong with others, and while social media seemingly affords this connection, it can also be argued that the type of belonging experienced online is inauthentic, superficial, and fleeting. Improve your mental health by limiting online activity, and gaining “likes” and affirmations from real, in-person interactions and relationships.
drstankovich.com
