As a professional working in the field of mental health, I hear a lot of things. One of the more common complaints from parents centers around how much their son’s “ADHD” (boys still, oddly, make up over 90% of ADHD diagnoses) makes him vulnerable to poor choices and questionable behaviors. Could this vague, subjectively-scored and controversial diagnosis of ADHD really be at the heart of these decisions — or could it be something completely different, and nothing to do with seemingly uncontrollable focus and attention? Today we will explore whether a lack of parental discipline factors in, or if kids who act out are solely victims to their own mental health challenges?
Are kids being held accountable?
When I witness a kid making a bad choice (i.e. purposely damaging a piece of sports equipment to look cool in front of friends), the first thing I watch for is how the parent will handle the situation. Will the parent make a half-hearted plea to the kid to not do it again, or will a more direct, serious tone be witnessed — one that has consequences attached? Setting aside the discussion of ADHD for a moment, ask yourself what kind of future outcome will likely occur from the two different approaches below:
- Parent A: Frustrated by the behavior, verbally tells the kid “you better stop doing that” (but nothing more).
- Parent B: Also frustrated, but with a calm voice delivers specific consequences for the action (i.e. “if you damage that equipment, you will both pay for a new one, as well as be grounded for a week.”).
Parents who make hollow threats with no follow through send a message to kids that there are no consequences for your actions — so keep on doing what you are doing! In situations like this, kids are not victims to their “ADHD,” but instead simply not worried that they will ever get in trouble for their choices.
A better way to go is to use authoritative parenting approaches, a style of parenting based on warmth, but also upholding standards and expectations. Parents who use this approach specifically call out the action in question, specify why the action is unwanted, then dole out appropriate punishment with rationale why the child is being punished. Using the example above, rather than feel helpless to ADHD, the parent could instead confront the situation, specifically identify the bad behavior (damaging a piece of sports equipment that cost money to purchase), then dole out a fitting punishment (i.e. paying for a new piece of equipment, and maybe losing a few privileges at home for a period of time). Notice, this approach does not include screaming and yelling, nor does it resort to physical aggression or any kind of corporal punishment.
For the vast majority of kids, using an authoritative parenting approach consistently will lead to a decrease in unwanted behaviors. Kids don’t like to lose things, and when they experience the loss of a privilege it makes them think about what they did, and how they don’t want to lose privileges again. Kids need to understand basic accountability, but this is tough to teach if your first assumption is that your son is “helpless to his ADHD.”
Final thoughts
Parenting is not easy, and adapting an authoritative parenting style takes work. That said, learning accountability, and that there are consequences to our actions, are very important lessons to teach kids. Are overly-active kids a lot to handle? Absolutely! But that doesn’t mean that we should immediately latch onto a reason why it’s pointless to even try — as is the case with many mental health diagnoses. Refrain from saying “he’s ADHD,” and instead try to introduce specific expectations, as well as consequences for unwanted behaviors. Not only is this a more realistic approach, you will also experience better outcomes as a result.
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