Would you rather be ruined by praise, or saved by constructive criticism? Coaches are tasked with helping kids get better in their sport, and a big part of the job is communicating specific skills that need attention in order for improvement to occur. Herein lies the challenge: Do you simply praise kids for the things they already do well, or do you offer constructive criticism to highlight specific areas that need more attention? Praise feels good, but will not lead to personal discomfort, challenge, or the discomfort necessary for future growth. Constructive criticism provides specific help that will help kids get better, but constructive criticism does not always feel good. So what is better, ongoing and sometimes artificial praise, or specific constructive criticism that helps a kid focus on future improvement?
The dangers of always telling a kid he’s great
Praising kids for effort is supportive, loving, and truly shows you care. As adults, we like building kids up, and kids love hearing that they talent and ability. But what happens when most, if not all, of our communication is praiseworthy? What are the dangers of always telling kids they are great, especially when it comes at the cost of otherwise using that time to offer more instruction that the kid could really use? But what if she feels bad hearing that she needs to make better passes, or turn the ball over less? Won’t that hurt her feelings?
The questions you just read are common questions I receive at my office, and questions very worthy of answering:
- What happens when all you do is praise a kid? Interestingly, after awhile, continuous praise eventually loses its power. When kids learn that all you do is say they’re great, they begin to find the messaging disingenuous, and some kids even become frustrated by the insincerity by realizing they are not getting the instruction they need.
- What if a kid has specific training needs, isn’t it better to offer praise over criticism? Praise is great, and there are plenty of opportunities to reward your kid for great effort. When all kids hear is praise, however, they develop a false sense of confidence thinking they are better than they are, and this actually sets them up for failure. Obviously when we talk about “criticism” we are referring to constructive criticism, defined as specific feedback focused on improving performance or behavior, not attacking the person. When kids receive this kind of feedback, only then can they laser-focus on the specifics needed for future self-improvement
- Won’t a kid’s feelings be hurt with constructive criticism? The short answer is no! In fact, parents and coaches can explain to kids that the feedback is specific to the sport, and not the child’s overall development. Furthermore, kids can learn at a young age that getting better in a sport requires tough, difficult conversations from time-to-time, but it is in those precise moments where the biggest gains are made!
As a proponent of positive reinforcement and the use of rewards, I am a big believer in telling kids they have done a great job after a personal/team success. I am also a big proponent of future growth, and the truth of the matter is future growth can be quickly stunted when ongoing praise takes the place of timely constructive criticism. While it might not feel great to hear the coach tell your child she needs to improve a specific sport skill, it is important to take the feedback and use it to your advantage, rather than assume the coach thinks your child is just a terrible person.
Constructive criticism is just that — constructive! Help your kids learn to become open-minded to constructive criticism, in fact, if you really want to see them reach their full potential teach them to solicit for constructive criticism! Ask the coach all kinds of questions, including what do I need to learn? What needs the most improvement? How can I develop my skills so that they become automatic in my muscle memory? What do I need to hear, but you are afraid I won’t like? All of these questions invite the coach to coach, and the player to learn firsthand how to improve. Maximum efficiency, maximum results!
Final thoughts
Yes, it is easy to always tell your kid that he or she is terrific, but when praise takes the place of important feedback your child’s growth may be stunted. Like most things, there is a time and place for both praise and feedback, and it is important for kids to know that when you are providing feedback that is tough to hear, you are doing so to help, not embarrass and humiliate the child. The best growth happens when we are challenged, get messy, and put our minds and bodies in new and difficult situations. Constant coddling, while well-intended, can prevent kids from maximum learning, and growing into their full potential.
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