If you are an adult who is regularly around kids, then you have seen the wide range of differences in personality and behaviors when comparing kids. Some kids seem to be naturally active, while others are more reserved. Some kids like to be a part of a big group, while other kids are happy doing something alone. Even kids from the same family can be dramatically different when it comes to their interests, aptitudes, and future goals. As we recognize the differences between kids, the question today centers around how much you can change in a kid’s personality? Applying this question to sports, opinions vary with respect to mental toughness and the degree in which a kid can fundamentally change — for example, can an otherwise calm and reserved kid “turn it on” in a game and become an aggressive bulldog? Or, can a more anxious kid suddenly “lock in” and become the most calm and focused kid on the field? These are big questions coaches and parents ask all the time, making it an interesting topic to explore.
What psychology research reveals
Psychology research suggests that a child’s personality and temperament are mostly stable, but can be malleable, especially in response to experiences, environment, and intentional efforts to change.
- Temperament (the biologically based aspects of behavior, like emotional reactivity and energy levels) is relatively stable but can be shaped over time.
- Personality (which includes temperament but also social learning, values, and experiences) is more flexible and can change through life experiences, including coaching and training.
Yes, with reasonable expectations a typically calm and relaxed child can develop a more intense and aggressive competitive mindset, but it depends on several factors:
- Coaching Influence – A strong coach can teach a child to tap into a competitive mindset through goal-setting, motivation, and situational intensity (e.g., understanding when to “turn it on”).
- Environmental Exposure – Training in high-energy environments, playing against aggressive opponents, and being encouraged to push harder can reshape a child’s approach to competition.
- Cognitive Framing – If a calm child learns to view competition as an opportunity to take on a challenge, rather than as a high-stress event, they may naturally adopt a more intense approach.
- Skill Development & Confidence – Sometimes, relaxed kids aren’t intense because they lack confidence. As they gain skills and success, their natural competitiveness might emerge.
While there is a path for helping change calm kids into more intense athletes, my professional experience has shown that this is very difficult to do. Helping kids “toughen up” a bit is reasonable; fundamentally changing a kid from passive to hyper-aggressive is probably asking a lot. In fact, I have witnessed some kids experience so much stress trying to toughen up that it has resulted in them becoming even more passive, calm, and intimidated.
On the other hand, I have watched countless high-anxiety kids improve mental toughness and overcome their nerves by means of various sport psychology tools, including deep breathing, imagery, and self-talk. It seems as though it may be easier for anxious kids to learn a trick or two to work in the moment, whereas calm kids are more challenged when trying to become more intense while competing.
Final thoughts
While helping kids pump up and calm down are common coaching tasks, the degree in which a kid can fundamentally change his or her personality and temperament is debatable. While research shows that our personalities are somewhat malleable, it is important to note that you will likely have more success teaching a kid a specific tool to use to adjust intensity in sport situations, but to hope that the kid changes who he or she is while competing is probably not going to happen. The best advice is rather than changing kids, try to work with the natural strengths that each kid possesses and build up through positive reinforcement, praise, and encouragement.
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