Typically in life, if we do something well, we enjoy some sort of a reward or positive reinforcement. Cut back fatty foods, lose weight. Study more in school, receive better grades. Practice being kind to others, receive more kindness in return. In fact, very often it is the “reward” we expect based on our efforts that incentivizes us to work harder — but is there a threshold where our hard work and related success actually works against us? For some kids today, the answer to that question is YES. Today we exam high-achieving kids and if advancing ahead of kids their own age really helps their mental health and personal happiness long-term.
What success can lead to…
Kids today have unlimited opportunities when it comes to both their education and athletic experiences. While it is exciting to experience success in school and sports, if your child experiences too much success you might soon find yourself in a situation you never quite expected. Below are two examples from clients of mine who were confused how their success landed them in places that ultimately they did not want to be:
- Academics. For kids who continually take honors, advanced, and college-credit high school classes, there will eventually come a day where (potentially) chunks of their college coursework will already be completed — even before they have ever stepped foot on campus. At first, you might think what could be wrong with that? Mom and dad save tuition money, and the child is able to bypass many classes. What is rarely discussed, however, are the new challenges the early graduating student now faces. Specifically, what does a 20 year old do when she is already finished with college and all of her friends are still back at college for another couple years? While her friends are still going to sorority parties, the early graduate finds herself working her salaried, full-time job — is that the reward for excelling in school? For many young people starting their professional career and missing out on college life isn’t at all what they had planned.
- Athletics. Some talented student athletes grab the attention of coaches early on, resulting in the child being promoted and given opportunities to play with older, more mature kids. While this advancement can be exciting for kids, it also separates them from their grade and peer group. One kid once told me that when he played with his friends around his age sports were a lot of fun, but playing up a couple grade levels with kids he barely knew made the sport experience anything but fun.
Encouraging kids to be their best is great, but it is important to forecast what hyper-success could lead to — including unintended consequences that impact their mental health, confidence, and motivation. If your child excels in school, is he mentally equipped and ready to begin his career before he is of legal age to drink? Similarly, if you have a child so good in sports that she is now surrounded by older girls in the locker room talking about issues your daughter isn’t ready for — is that a good thing? The reality is that promotions for kids should include discussion around maturity, emotional intelligence, and the child’s overall mental health, and not just an automatic decision to push-push-push without future considerations and thought.
Final thoughts
Encouraging kids to succeed is great, but when too much focus is placed on success it may lead to places you never previously considered. When kids succeed academically and graduate college early, they may not be mentally ready or interested in 40+ hour work weeks while their friends are still enjoying college. Similarly, kids who move up a few levels in athletics may experience better competition, but they may end up missing their friends of the same age. For these reasons it is important to think about your child’s life opportunities and if success-acceleration truly makes sense.
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