Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to manage both your own emotions, and understand the emotions of people around you. Included under the umbrella of emotional intelligence include the following qualities: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and managing social skills. While we do not generally teach emotional intelligence formally in school in the ways kids learn math and science, improving emotional intelligence is an important part of human development and greatly contributes to one’s overall mental health. These days, however, kids are becoming less proficient with emotional intelligence, and in increasingly more instances truly lacking in simply being able to begin and sustain meaningful conversations with others. But before we assume that kids have changed, we need to examine the reasons why kids are struggling with emotional intelligence, and what we need to do to help them improve.
What’s different today?
In the days before omnipresent technology (including smart phones everywhere!), people — including kids — interacted in real time with peers. Face-to-face conversations, problem solving, and understanding what others were going through were normal daily experiences, enhancing emotional intelligence (and overall mental health) as a result. Kids back then naturally learned how to self-regulate, provide sympathy/empathy to others, and manage their own emotions. Without smart phones, kids kept their heads up, looked at other people, and regularly communicated using words and real eye contact! Contrast that to today, where kids might still physically gather together, but when you zoom in closely they are not looking at one another and talking, but instead each in their own silo off in their own world of technology and not interacting with those around them. Smart phones, while providing some life advantages, actually steal from traditional interactions and leave kids today lacking in emotional intelligence development.
Many of the conversations I witness today between kids are passive, rather short in nature, and specific to a point. If there are laughs, it’s either one kid on his own who has found something funny on Tik Tok, or several kids watching the same thing online and laughing in synchrony — though not actually interacting with each other. Kids today, unlike previous generations, do not walk around their neighborhoods, check on friends, and make up things to do. Today, it is normal to see kids physically assemble together, but with devices in hand have very little reason to turn their heads and actually engage with one another.
Kids fundamentally interact with each other differently today than anytime before smart phones and online video gaming. What used to be conversations amongst friends, in real time, using verbal communication and reading facial expressions, has been replaced by virtual text messages devoid of emotions and feeling (emojis don’t count!), resulting in low emotional intelligence development. How do you improve in emotional intelligence when communication is largely virtual? When we see kids struggle with mental health issues today, it is not uncommon to learn that they also experience a lot of isolation (often gaming), and even when in the physical company of others they lack the confidence to provide direct eye contact, and carry on confidently in conversation.
Final thoughts
Emotional intelligence is an important part of the human experience and positive mental health, as managing one’s emotions and displaying empathy to others are crucial components found in healthy relationships. Understanding how another person might see and experience something, from their view (not yours) is a powerful experience that allows us to not judge, but understand others. Listening closely to others, asking respectful questions to better understand things, and showing appreciation are all important qualities that in this moment appear to be on the way out in exchange for simple and direct text messages. Will we ever re-direct to a time where emotional intelligence came more naturally by means of real human interactions? Without specific coursework in schools it’s tough in this moment to see where things will change in a more positive direction any time soon.
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